8/1/24 meet my ex-situationship girl

this is kind of a vent entry so don't read if you don't wanna see it

i woke up and messed around on minecraft for a bit and had a bacon egg and cheese for breakfast.. feels great to have a real ny deli bec instead of the stuff we were making in texas

theres this girl ive been talking to a while. we've been talking for a couple months and she's gotten really attached to me and so have i. problem is that when i first started getting attached i was blinded by the idea of someone caring about me and just dove straight into it without thinking. problem is:

- shes a lesbian
- she has a girlfriend
- shes 17 (im 14)

when i say we got close i mean we got really really close. like hugging and kissing n shit... her girlfriend was fine with it too..? and after a while i realized how fucked up this is so i started slowly getting less close to her. she has a lot of mental issues so of course she started acting crazy over me getting less attached to her. of course i felt bad but i lowkey felt very uncomfortable with the entire situation.

she decided to go out with me to the manhattan bridge today so we could put a lock with both our initals on the manhattan bridge. i picked her up from the school she works at at 2:45 and we went to the bridge. i was silent on the entire subway ride there. when we were on the R train she started crying and i still kept silent. i lowkey felt (and still do feel) really bad but i felt really uncomfortable with the entire situation. she started mumbling things to herself in ukranian like she usually does when she's upset because i don't understand ukranian

we got off the F train at york street to get to the bridge. we only walked up like 5% of the bridge until she confronted me like "wtf is going on" and we got into an argument. our arguments suck man. it's usually her asking the same questions every time like "do you wanna leave me" stuff like that and i'm tired of repeating the same things over and over to her during these arguments so i just keep silent. it's almost as if my words mean nothing to her

she asks me a lot why it seems like i don't care at all and i tell her that i saw it was coming.. to be honest, the same shit usuaully ends up happening in every relationship i get into where i just end up hurting the other person in the end. i did see it coming but tbh i dont really care too much either. obviously im not gonna tell her that lol

thinking about this overall its so retarded too because im literally 14 and none of this shit gonna matter later in life.... thats also part of the reason hwy i dont really care about it

i made a promise to her that i would never leave her so im stuck here. not that i wanna leave, i just have no choice. im tired of it but i dont break my promises

i haven't said "i love you" to her in like three weeks cause the last time i did she just said "no u don't"

i wanna meet someone else. maybe a boy (im bisexual). i haven't been in a relationship with a guy yet and i think it'll be really nice because it'll be a lot less problematic than being in a relationship with a girl. women amirite

btw, about the lesbian thing. she said that i made her bisexual and that she had feelings for me but i rejected her. when we met she said she was lesbian tho

after the bridge, she started texting her girlfriend that she was gonna kill herself or something.. she stayed on the bridge for like two hours in the same spot cuz i have her location. her girlfriend texted me that she understands how i feel and that she feels the same way. her girlfriend is really nice. she's always supported me and the way i feel. she's awesome

i feel like an asshole writing all this but whatever. idk if its even a good idea making this public but it felt good to write it all down.

also can we talk about how fucking retarded situationships are? genuinely the dumbest shit that has come out of this generation. i know we're still kids but it still feels good to be in a relationship and have someone there for you 24/7. also being in a relationship this young is overall just very fun and teaches you a lot of shit to use in your future with new partners. just like this experience taught me a bunch of shit.

btw about the boy thing. there are some guys i've had a crush on in my school but they're all too old for me lol. i've been thinking about going to next years nyc pride parade cause last time i was just passing by (took me 30 minutes to cross 7th avenue LMAOO i had to fucking sprint to the x38 to take me back tob rooklyn) but i saw a lot of cute boys crossdressing and maybe i could talk to one of them.

at the airport i saw this REALLY REALLY cute guy who's genuinely the most attractive person i've ever seen in my life lol. i will forever regret not talking to him. but tbh it was at a very popular airport (dallas-fort worth) so he could be from literally anywhere in the world

yap session over 8.2.24 1:07 AM